For heaven’s sake, let it go

I need to let some things go today.

As Dylan Thomas apparently said after his first trans-atlantic flight:

I’m exhausted from trying to hold the plane up in the air.

In addition to the usual stress of keeping all of the many balls in my life up in the air, I’ve been really feeling the exhaustion and teariness that come to me this time of year.

It’s hard work to get up, it’s hard work to sit at my desk, it’s hard work to think about eating something, it’s hard work to figure out what to wear. Sometimes it seems so hard that it just makes me want to cry. My body gets tense from all of the mental effort and sadness, and I have to remind myself to breathe. I get into a cycle of feeling crappy, worrying about how I’m going to get my work done because I feel crappy, then I start beating myself up about the possibility of not having money to pay the bills and letting people down, and then I feel even crappier. Great, right?

I literally need to take a breather.

I’m going to try to be more like this girl today (below…me at 6 or 7 maybe?) Just kind of messy and happy and hanging out. I look amazingly ok with everything, including my shag haircut (which is saying something.) Plus, it looks like I had something yummy to eat and left some of it on my face and that is never a bad idea.

Messy happy girl

So…Rachel’s be present list for today:

Step one: A 10-minute meditation on my cushion, just listening to the Prayer of Saint Francis.

Step two: Yoga class at 9:30 (it’s an exercise in letting go for me to just abandon my laptop for the two hours it takes to make the class a priority.) Plus, I’m not very flexible so I have to let go of my vanity to do this in front of other people, big time.

Step three: Breath as prayer throughout the day. God, remind me to breathe. God, remind me to let go.

Step four: Try to have a little fun. Should be more than a little possible with Anna Dvorak coming over today. And Ben, Jen and Gabe arriving from Toronto this evening. Plus, opportunities for Monkey Dancing are only 2 days away.

I hope I feel just a bit better by tonight. I probably will.

13 Responses to For heaven’s sake, let it go

  1. Bri January 28, 2010 at 8:41 am #

    Love that photo! You’re so sweet.

    I wish I could go to your yoga class with you. I need it!

  2. Amy Haley January 28, 2010 at 8:44 am #

    What a sweet little face. It IS good to remember what it felt like to have fun and not worry about what you wear, or how your hair turned out, or how you’ll get everything done. I sure wish we could see Jeremy’s concert this weekend. HAVE FUN! xo

  3. Anna January 28, 2010 at 8:57 am #

    You are a gift – every day. I love your little reminders – something each of us can use. Thank you, Rachel!

  4. Renee Jeanne Jacqueline Emerson January 28, 2010 at 9:17 am #

    Sounds as if there is an excellent plan afoot to tend your inner garden. Let the dove descend and the balls juggled become velvet roses. Remember that you are loved,cherished and honored always. To know you is simply a privilege. The sun is shining amidst the cruel cold.
    With Love,Renee

  5. Deirdre January 28, 2010 at 9:53 am #

    This photo chokes me up. Beautiful. Proves life is lovelier with a schmear of something on one’s face. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

  6. Kris January 28, 2010 at 10:10 am #

    thanks for the inspiring, honest words. i love this pic–you look so much like Dylan, and it makes me miss him, and you : ) xoxo

  7. Michele White January 28, 2010 at 10:52 am #

    Love it, Rach! You are doing all the right things. I’m sure it helps you to know that you have company in this tough spot (even though I know you don’t wish the struggle on anyone). John has been in this same place for a week now and traveling to the spot for about 2 more. You are not alone. You are loved with an everlasting love.

    I love the photo of you. It is inspirational and fantastic in the messiness and sans souci and absolutely adorable.

  8. Larry January 28, 2010 at 5:43 pm #

    This is all good. Thanks for sharing!

  9. Mary January 28, 2010 at 7:18 pm #

    Amen!

  10. Brian January 28, 2010 at 8:42 pm #

    Hi Rachel,

    Your post inspires me to share the meditations I end some days with (you probably breathe these already!)

    Did you live
    Did you love
    Did you learn to let go

    and

    Did I give myself space to create my own warmth;
    my own sense of humanity

    Brian

  11. Tony Hedrick January 28, 2010 at 9:48 pm #

    Love this blog.
    A beautiful read.

    You need to perhaps spice it up with some of my writing like, “Finding Sebastian Joe’s.”You and your sister-in-law, Noemi are good bloggers. You already get more comments in one day than I get in a month.

    Daddy

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