If I must write…

Quote from Anne Morrow-Lindbergh

Today I am feeling as though this commitment to blog every day might be a bit much. Even though I do love it, and I definitely feel compelled to write nearly every single day.

I am feeling overwhelmed. (This is a word I use frequently, because it fits. I don’t feel desperate or crazy or slightly irritated. I don’t feel sick, or even tired. Rather, I feel like I am underwater. I’m having a hard time getting my breath, my chest feels tight, and I can’t seem to clear my head.)

Organizing all of the details of this family’s life has depleted my reserves. Even just looking at the calendar for the next two weeks is making me dizzy. I am someone who really needs a lot of breathing space in and around the time that’s committed. The calendar is much more full than empty right now and the chaos created when we are all going in different directions at overlapping times is hard for this highly sensitive person to keep at arm’s length.

I’m also carrying around a lot of love and concern for others. But that’s not unusual for me. I sit with those people and their pain in my heart, then I pray for them, then I carry them with me some more. It’s ok; this is what I’m meant to do.

And I have a lot of work to do. Grant proposals and web sites and writing and more. Which I am grateful for…really. To be able to work from home, not ever having had a lapse in clients during five years…I know that it’s an incredible gift. But boy, am I swamped right now.

Yesterday my yoga teacher Sarah mentioned that the ancients believed that the hips were where humans – especially women – carried most of their emotional pain. Is this why I have so much trouble with my hips in yoga practice? I wonder how many hip openers I will have done by the time I’m 80? And will my hips feel any looser after all of that effort? Here’s hoping that I will be more spry when I am 80 than I am at 40. It’s a worthy goal, don’t you think?

The good news is that at this stage of life I’ve learned how to get myself back above water. I can do the things that I know will replenish me. (Starting with an early bedtime tonight.) In the meantime, I can breathe and seek silence wherever possible until things even out again.

So if I must write (and I think I do), here’s what I’ve got for today.

It will have to be enough.

6 Responses to If I must write…

  1. claudia March 3, 2010 at 11:06 pm #

    Dear Rachel…
    Interestingly, your blog is called “the beauty of doing nothing.” Maybe you should take a little of that advice. Maybe write every other day or some other scheme.
    Life is busy and it will only get busier as your children grow older and have many activities. It can be mind boggling. So be good to yourself my friend. Lovingly ask yourself about your priorities and and seek the balance.

    Having said all that… I also must say I love your blogs! You inspire me.

    love & light,

  2. Amy Haley March 4, 2010 at 7:50 am #

    I can relate to this one. It is hard to say no to make margin and room in life for the unexpected. I feel underwater too most of the time right now and I think it is because I carry more than I was meant to. I carry every homework assignment for the kids, every lunch appointment and deadline for John, and the desire to make the world right. This is not what God intended at all… “Cast all you care and anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” Sleeping and saying no to the urgent is a way of casting our care on him… the Sabbath rest is a way of saying, “I recognize that I can’t do it all. God, I trust You to fill in the gaps while I take a break. I have to turn it all off and let You work. You, the One who never sleeps or slumbers. The One who cares for me.”

  3. kpg March 4, 2010 at 9:00 am #

    If you teach me a hip opening move on Saturday (which I would love to learn, btw), does that mean we can share a little pain?

  4. Janna March 4, 2010 at 3:30 pm #

    Rachel, thank you for sharing the way you do. I can relate to the hip pain/strain and know that it’s probably related to stress transference. And even though we don’t have kids, organizing a household and trying to maintain an income (the latter of which I’m not pulling my weight at the moment) can be very overwhelming. You really do an amazing job with everything even though you probably don’t feel like it at times. So yes, I agree with Claudia and say, Take a break when you need to, even if something gets left undone…even if it’s just for a while. Love you!

  5. Doris March 6, 2010 at 9:00 am #

    Dearest Rachel
    It is abundantly obvious that you are a very caring person and willingly share yourself with others. And I have no doubt that others see in you deep love and acceptance of their lives and concerns. We must be careful to keep this in balance as it often leads to carrying more than our share. A disconnect between what is healthy for us and what we feel we MUST do for others. Never forget to consider ” how much of this is mine” before deciding if you should carry it.
    Loving the blog but please don’t write if you feel you must-ONLY write because you feel you CAN.
    Love, prayers and hugs,

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