Truth & proof

truth & proof

Approximately 16 years ago, one of my closest friends–

Well actually she turned out to not be one of my closest friends. Rather, she had come to view me as an obstacle to her desired “friendship” with my husband, who thankfully was not interested in trading me for her–

Anyway this “friend” looked at me and said the following:

You will never be well, because you want to be sick.

At the time I was living with a myriad of symptoms for which there seemed to be no clear diagnosis, though the word “lupus” was being bandied about confidently by my rheumatologist, who also assured me that I only had further physical deterioration to look forward to in the years to come. I was 25.

So when this friend–who obviously was not my friend–to whom I had freely given my heart and with whom I had opened up my life, said those words to me, it devastated me. It was like a punch in the stomach. A gunshot through my heart. A poisonous dart in my mind.

My deepest fear–which had surfaced and been pushed back down and surfaced again over the years–was that she was right.

One of my most entrenched beliefs was that everyone else knew better. That everyone else was better.

I, on the other hand, was:

Fundamentally flawed.

Always wrong.

Hopeless.

Powerless.

Destined to be sick.

Because the cause of all of my failures and shortcomings was undoubtedly my inherent worthlessness.

And this fear clung on deep, deep down for dear life until I yanked and clawed it out and spoke it out loud in a safe space. A safe place where someone honest and loving and Godly could repeat the actual truth to me. She repeated it over and over, until finally I began to believe her.

It dawned on me: Perhaps I had been living with a lie.

The friend–who was not a friend–was very wrong.

She had told ugly, ugly lies.

And I was vulnerable. So I took the ugly, ugly lies in and gave them a swanky place to live. I let them spread out and make themselves at home and they even invited more lying, cheating friends in.

I didn’t know how to distinguish truth from a lie.

And I did not set out to prove her wrong, but my life today declares loudly the truth about me:

I am more whole than I ever imagined I could be.

I am beautiful.

I am loved.

I am filled to the brim with potential.

I am at my best when I am sharing my authentic self to the fullest extent.

I am joyful and well and strong and courageous.

And you are all of those things too.

So hold your head high.

No matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Believe me.

I have lived with lies too and I am telling you the truth.

Your life will prove it out.

Rachel sigxo

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14 Responses to Truth & proof

  1. Janet July 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm #

    Thank you SO MUCH for this, Rachel.

  2. Jennifer Richardson July 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm #

    isn’t the fruit of truth just the sweetest,
    most delicious, juicy, shiny beauty!!!
    and it’s looking gorgeous on YOU:)
    bravo for hurling the lies
    and embracing the real thing,
    the good stuff,
    the aliveness that is working so
    powerfully in you!
    And THANKS for this awesome share!
    (my heart is standing up taller inside of
    me after just a few sips:))
    -Jennifer

  3. Tony Hedrick July 14, 2011 at 5:37 pm #

    Rachel… Thanks.
    Here is the Truth that backs up your truth…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHu5YOogV8I
    Watch it all the way through… read every line… we believe this about you and all of our grand children… as a black friend of mine says… “God don’t make no junk.”

    Daddy

  4. Noemi Hedrick July 14, 2011 at 7:09 pm #

    Miss you more just by reading this…your words are so eloquent and real! i love you and can’t wait to celebrate you this weekend!

  5. Mary Tomback July 14, 2011 at 7:45 pm #

    Oooh, I just loved this so much.

  6. Trish Barr July 15, 2011 at 5:34 am #

    Rachel,
    Wish you were physically closer so we could share the everyday things. This post brings me back to University when you and I would share thoughts of happiness after oppressive meals with class mates.

    I miss you.
    Trisha

    • Rachel Greenhouse July 15, 2011 at 6:48 am #

      I miss you too. Truly. Your friendship is one of the very best memories I have from that time in my life. You’re precious to me, Trish.

  7. Carolyn Hidalgo July 15, 2011 at 6:30 am #

    Hi Rachel My sister-in-law Trish forwarded me your wonderful blog – love it! Can feel the impact of your experience through your words : ) WOW!

  8. brandyglows July 15, 2011 at 7:05 am #

    Oh Rachel. I have struggled with ugly lies too. I’m sure I still do. You are such a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

  9. tami July 15, 2011 at 11:45 am #

    thank-you for these TRUE words spoken from your heart today, and from the very heart of a GOd who cares So deeply that he made us JUST the way He wanted us-I like what your daddy quoted!! gonna share this with my youth group girls who struggle at their age with self confidence.

    MUCH love!!

  10. Nikol Gianopoulos July 16, 2011 at 2:51 pm #

    Thank you!! I have believed so many lies over the years that I can really, really resonate with your words.

  11. claudia kaul July 20, 2011 at 12:08 pm #

    What a brave testimony. There is lots to consider in your story… good food for thought for me. Thanks.

  12. Amy Haley April 19, 2013 at 8:12 am #

    Beautiful piece of writing, Rachel! God bless truth tellers who break the cycle of lies.

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